I think it’s safe to say that I kept myself busy while Willy has been outta town since Monday.
Three kinds of cookies and three kinds of cupcakes. I’m so grossed out with sweets now that I couldn’t even taste test anything last night so I had to invite a friend over.
But I’m not tired of baking yet :) but I am tired of doing those darn dishes after :/
I’m still having a really difficult time dealing with my mom. I’m getting depressed it. I’m just tired of watching my family suffer for 13 years and want my mom to stop being in pain.
I even left work early (I was there only 45 minutes) cause I was so out of it.
I think what makes it worse is Willy went outta town for work last night and won’t return till Thursday.
But I’m in bed and my pup is trying to cheer me up.
That and I finally recolored my hair yesterday so it feels good to be a red head again rather than an orange-with-brown-roots hair.
I’m trying to cheer up, I really am. Right now I’m just extremely exhausted.
I feel my spirit has broken.
I’m grasping onto what little hope I have left, but it’s too hard. I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired.
It’s already been more than half my life.
I’m not strong anymore. I can’t handle this.
Shame on me.
I haven’t worked out in a while.
And I’ve been eating bad.
But eh, I’m human and I’m happy.
I promise I’ll get back on the healthy train soon. I keep saying “tomorrow” but tomorrow never comes…hell, I even say “tonight” but tonight never comes. It will soon though :)
Made cheesecake cupcakes! BUT it has Greek yogurt instead of cream cheese :) so healthy-ER. Next time I make these babies I plan on working with less sugar! Determined to make these as healthy as I can! The first picture has strawberries and chocolate chips between the crust and cheesecake
Tonight I plan in carrot cake cupcakes! Healthy-ish of course!
This is happens when you bake cookies then leave your dog alone in the apartment for 5 minutes.
Sometimes I feel my life is defined by my mother’s illness.
Yes, I’m very proud of my mom. She is my hero. She’s the strongest person I’ve ever met. Been fighting breast cancer since 2000, and currently been battling her fourth time the past two years.
But sometimes I feel this illness controls my life. That it defines who I am: the girl with the mother who’s had breast cancer a million times.
I hate it sometimes.
Lately, my mom has been having more bad days than usual.
I’m tired in general, from life. And I’m tired of seeing my mom suffer the way she has. She’s been through enough…and she’s still not done.
It absolutely kills me inside when she’s having a bad day. She throws up, and cries that her arm is in such pain and she feel horrible. She says how much it sucks and no one deserves this pain she goes through.
I just wish I could do something, ANYTHING to make her all better.
When you’re a child, there comes a point in your life that the roles change and you take care of your parents instead of them caring for you…but that’s not supposed to be till they’re grandparents, or at least in-laws….not when you’re just a pre-teen.
Lately I can’t help but wonder what kind of relationship my mother and I would have if she was “normal.” It hurts me to see other mothers and daughters doing average things that they probably don’t think twice about, things that I’ll never get the opportunity.
But then Willy always reminds me that I wouldn’t be where I am today. That he and I wouldn’t be together. And he’s right. My mother has had a huge impact on the person I am today. Not only that but I would’ve gone away for college rather than going to a university close to home…and then I really never would’ve met Willy.
Then I stop to think of my father. The position he’s in. The pain he goes through every day. Seeing the love of his life in such pain. Pretty much preparing yourself for the worse so early in life. I can’t imagine that pain.
My mother’s bad days always gives me my bad days. Hopefully these days will become less, and to the point of just memories of the hard times. It has to happen, it will.
Strawberry Greek yogurt with chia and flax seed along with blueberry & pomegranate infused white tea :)
And I’m ashamed to say I also had not one, but two cupcakes that I baked last night :( good news is since I put them in the fridge they don’t stick to the paper as much!
But I need to get these cupcakes outta here fast. Tomorrow they’re going with Willy to work!
Made my first egg-free and oil-free cupcakes tonight. While they are tasty, this recipe is still a work in progress.
Now I know what the oil does in cupcakes. Helps the cake not stick to the paper cup. Gotta figure how to fix that.
Still pretty satisfied with my first attempt :)